BUMI TENGAH: The Malaysian LOTR Blog Parody
Welcome to Bumi Tengah, The Malaysian LOTR Parody blog!!
This blog is mainly gonna be a parody of LOTR using Malaysian bloggers as main characters. To be updated whenever I feel like it. :)
To read past chapters of the parody, go to the Contents page HERE)
- Name: Michael Cheang
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Friday, October 06, 2006
Chapter 6.2: Mackragorn meets his Awek
So... he snuck, and he snuck, and as he was about to jump out in front of her and yell SURPLISE!,... Suddenly, she SPUN AROUND, KICKED him in his BALLS, and in one swift movement, DROP-KICKED him in the shoulder, and when he was lying on the ground groaning in agony, she proceeded to kick him like a football in the kidneys a few more times before finally she finally realised...
"Eh, Mackragorn? It's you? Soli har darling, the haze is so bad I couldn't see who it was until now. I thought its a snatch thief you know, you can never be too careful because nowadays got so many snatch thief..."
"ARRGH. Urk. Gurgle. Argh. Gah..." said Mackragorn.
"...but then hor, I've been taking kickboxing classes at Elfitness First gym and they teach you how to decapitate an orc with one swing of the sword, and how to poke the eyes of a goblin so they can't shoot arrows..."
"gurgle... arg. orrrrgh. buek... Wen.."
"And then hor, my father send me to learn how to sew, of all things. he ask me to sew you a new wardrobe because he said the Mat Rock look no longer in-stail, must be Mat Rempit look now, so I got you a new helmet and stuck your standard there, and now I'm sewing your underwear, that's why i didn't get to go rescue you and Kendo and had to send Glordindel instead..."
"RAKSHARWEN!" yelled Mackragorn. "At least help me up first can or not????"
That woke Raksharwen up from her conversation with herself, and she decided to help Mackragorn up. "Haiyor, you har, so weka. kena drop kick and kicked in kidneys a bit also kenot tahan. I tell you har, my father last time kena chop by that Eyeron also no problem."
With that, the planned romantic moment Mackragorn had planned on spending with his supposed awek was ruined, and he had to go to the Elf Clinic to get MC.
And at that very moment, the bloggits were...
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Chapter 6.1: The Bloggits Arrive at Phileodell...
Anyway. When they managed to get over the shock of seeing an even rounder Kendo, the gang looked around. Phileodell was the land of the dancing elves, and everywhere they looked, they saw dancing elves in pink, yellow, red, blue, macam-macam warna tutus, prancing around, some doing the tango, some ballet, some were bellydancing, some were breakdancing ("Hmm, a breakdancing elf in a yellow tutu. NOW I've seen everything. Oh wait, I have seen a the bloggits dress up in bikinis doing the Macarena yet. So that's not everything yet" thought Gandaiz.), and one particularly old one was standing in front of a cafe doing a combination of the Macarena and Ketchup Song to to the beat of a Crazy Frog song.
Anyway, now that they were safe, the gnag decided to split up and enjoy life for a while. ("Remember, tomorrow got AGM. the LORD of PHILEODELL wants to meet us and give us a jamuan ringan" said Gandaiz before they split up).
Kendo decided to eat more candy, Suanwise decided to go the nearby mamak to get some roti pisang. Miniadoc decided to go check out the elves in tutus doing the Rhumba, while Petergrin fell asleep in his rocket powered wheelchair.
Mackragorn, he spied a lenglui hiding behind the waterfall, and terus lesap donno go where....
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Eyeron contemplates the resurrection of Bumi Tengah...
But as time went by, he began to think of more stupid things to write about, and decided that the Bumi Tengah shall rise again, with increased regularity, and with more inane posts.
But... exactly HOW regular, would rely on the response it gets, and how many people actually READ this damn thing... hehe....
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Chapter 5.2: Glordindel Faces the Ah-Benguls
"Doctors say: No more cartoons!"
"Cartoons make people laugh! Gives people best medicine!"
"Cartoons are evil! Makes people laugh until stomach ache!"
Scared of the demonstrating doctors, Glordindel turned his kapcai the other way, taking the road down UIA. As he was going down that road, he glanced back to see nine black clad BMX riders chasing after him, chanting Amani by Beyond at the top of their lungs.
The Ah-Benguls were after him!
Now things were getting serious. Glordindel urged his kapcai to go faster (though with his er... substantial bulk, the kapcai was hard-pressed to go up the hill), and he raced round towards the SAMAD roudabout.
There, the Ah-Benguls nearly caught up with him, but he managed to shake them off temporarily by going round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round the roundabout until the Ah-Benguls got dizzy.
(Kendo got dizzy too, and puked in the front basket. Glordindel is an elf, so they don't get dizzy. Must be the hair).
Then, just as they were slowing down, Glordindel ZOOMED off towards his final destination... PhileoDell!
The Black BMX Riders cycled frantically behind them, chasing them closely. By and by, they reached the traffic light junction just outside PhileoDell, where Glordindel just managed to get past the traffic lights just in time! PHEW!
The Ah-Benguls were stuck, not daring to beat the red light (the bad memory of past life samans for running red lights still lingers in their minds).
Stopping at the side of the road, Glordindel got off the kapcai and faced the Ah-Benguls. Remembering his director's orders to stay closer to the book than the movie, he shook Kendo awake (who puked again), and tried to get him to shout his defiance at the Ah-Benguls.
Unfortunately, Kendo was too groggy and was puking so much that he could only say: "Gah! Uwek! BUEK! TULAN!" that Glordindel eventually gave up, decided to prop Kendo up on the handlebars of the Kapcai, and put his ventriloquist skills to good use by moving Kendo's lips with his hands while shouting from behind Kendo's back:
Kendo/Glordindel: HALT! YOU are making me damn tulan! first steal my pictures to get RM50, then now trying to steal my cincin. NO MORE! YOU SHALL NOT HAVE ME! OR THIS CINCIN!"
or something like that (it was hard to tell what Glordindel was shouting behind Kendo's back).
For good measure, Glordindel decided to peek out from behind Kendo and shout: "HAHA! SUCKERS!!!! YOU WANT HIM, BUT CANNOT GET!!!! NYIE NYIE!!!!" (and stuck his tongue out).
Enraged, the Black BMX Riders give a squeak, and urged their BMX bikes across the road, screaming in anger.
SUDDENLY, the traffic light on the other side turned green, unleashing a Minibus-turned-Bas Kilang which HURTLED down the road and squashed the Ah Bengul's BMXs!
(The bus then dragged the Ah-Benguls all the way up the road, back all the way to the Rothmans Roundabout, , where they were set upon by the demonstrating doctors and trampled on.)
Heaving a sigh of relief, Glordindel stuffed Kendo back into the front basket of the kapcai, and proceeded into the Elf stronghold of PhileoDell, with its lush waterfalls, four star Eastin Hotel, and a certain majestic structure called Menara Star..... *sic*
(Meanwhile, while all this is happening, Mackragorn and the other bloggits were casually strolling to their Bill8555 Proton Iswara, got in, drove a bit, stopped by for tea at Kanna Curry House, narrowly avoided a collision with a suicidal Bas Kilang, and arrived at PhileoDell only to see...)
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Chapter 5.1: The Debut of Pointy Ears
DIRECTOR: "CUT! Oi, LeKYolas! You're not supposed to be in this scene! Get off the stage!"
*LeKYolas pouts, and then storms off the stage to go swim with his Koi fishes*
DIRECTOR: "Ok, now that we've gotten rid of that hamsap lou (what was he doing makign a pass at Mackragorn anyway?), we can start again. and... ACTION!"
So, wiping the cold sweat of his forehead, Mackragorn turns back to cutting the lallang. Deciding that the 20 sen pocket knife is too slow, he decides to strap on his grass cutting machine (he carries it around in case got part-time grass cutting job when he is off Pegawai Lalulintas duty), and proceeds to hack bales of lallang at one go.
Mackragorn: BUAHAHAHA! See I so macho. And at anytime soon, my fair lady girlfriend will turn up and we shall make sweet love in the bed of lalang I have made!
Suddenly, as he is fantasizing about his romp in the lallang, he felt cold steel against his neck once again.
he thought to himself: "Aha! She is finally here!" and turns around, only to see....
ANOTHER guy, but with short hair, spectacles, pointy ears, and a little chubby.
Chubby elf: "Behold! I am Glordindel! I have come to help you save Kendo!"
Mackragorn: "GAH! Where is my lady love!?!?! Isn't she supposed to be the one who comes and save me? I have this nice soft bed of lallang all ready and we were going to... er... urm..
Glordindel: "Ahem. Enough dude. You see, the director decided that the movie version where the pouncy elf chick comes out to save the day was just too dumb, and too different from the book version that he decided to follow the book this time around and sent ME to save Kendo instead. Besides, he hates Liv Tyler anyway.
Mackragorn: "NOOOO! What have you done with my beloved then?!?!?!"
Glordindel: "Oh, don't worry. Your awek is now in her room, knitting some new briefs with your standard on them for you."
Mackragorn: "Oh. That's alright then. I was running out of underwear anyway.
So, Mackragorn and Glordindel headed back to the camp, where Suamwise was trying to force a whole lalang grass down Kendo's throat, and they swiftly put Kendo on Glordindel's Kapcai...
Mackragorn: "Wait a minute. A KAPCAI??!??! What happened to your Proton Iswara?"
Glordindel: "Oh. he got a better part in this parody."
... and off he went, with Kendo stuffed in the front basket, putt-putt-putting away down the road.
As they arrived at the Rothmans Roundabout, Glordindel looked back and saw...
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Chapter 5.0: Kendo gets sick, Suamwise panics
Mackragorn: "Ah, I see. That Swiss Army Knife was a pirated one. So it was rusty. That's why he looks so bad."
Suamwise: "But I thought you said it was because of your sing..."
Mackragorn: "SHHH! Be quiet! I am trying to see if I can heal this."
*Mackragorn slaps Kendo around a bit, kicking him in the guts to try and wake him up, which promptly sends Kendo into a semi-comatose state*
Suamwise: "WHAAAT?!?!?! What have you done with Mr Kendo?!?!?! ARGH!!! PANIC PANIC PANIC!!!
Mackragorn: "Er... don't worry. His er... sickness has gone beyond my powers of healing. I could try singing him back to life with some Sheila on 7 songs, but he still needs more powerful medicine. But I can stall it. Can you find me some elephant grass?"
Suamwise: "Elephant grass?"
Mackragorn: "LALLANG lar! Now go get me some and push two milligrams of it in his mouth, STAT!"
So it was that Suamwise and Mackragorn left Peterpin (who was trying to see how fast his wheelchair could go if he zoomed down the slide at top rocket speed) and Minirry (who was testing out her new wonderbra she'd bought to counter boyfriend 'flat' remarks) with Kendo in the playground next to Jayatop, and went around looking for some lallang.
By and by, Mackragorn found some grass, and took out his 20 sen pocket knife out to cut some, when suddenly, there was a strange cold metallic feeling by his throat, and a melodious voice said to him:
"Eh, apa ni? Tarak kerja lain ka? Ada permit potong rumput tak?"
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Chapter 4.5: In Which Mackragorn Sings Like Awie
"Eh, where's my army? Aw heck, alone again ar? This Mat Rock business not good for keeping friends lar. Everybody run away when they hear me sing Isabella."
"Oh damn... have to fight now... UNHAND THAT BLOGGIT YOU SON OF A BENG!"
And with that gloriously silly warcry, Sekunder launched himself at the Vitch-King, shining a Eveready free torchlight at its face to scare it away from Kendo.
"Begone, evil Ah-Bengul!" he cried. Trying to hit them with his Pegawai Lalulintas glowstick. When that didn't seem to do much, Sekunder launched into the first verse of Bernafas Dalam Lumpur by Wings, singing at the top of his lungs.
"Lama mana lagi, Hendak ku turutkan!"
Hearing that those verses, the Ah-Benguls began to screech with agony. They tried to fight back by singing a Beyond song, but their Cantonese not very good (they all Hokkien lang mar), and they could not match Mackragorn's incredible karaoke skills.
"Kata telunjuk yang menuding kepalaku!"
As he finished the first verse, the Ah-Benguls finally could not tahan the extreme Mat-Rock-ness of the song, and began to flee. Mackragorn chased some of them, hitting them with his Pegawai Lalulintas glowstick, and even managing to throw his torchlight and hit the Vitch-King on his head. BOINK!
Once the Ah-Benguls had fled the scene on their BMX bikes (singing Beyond songs to themselves to sooth their wounds), Mackragorn looked over at Kendo, only to see that the bloggit had gone pale and was frothing in the mouth.
"Darn it. Forgot to ask Kendo to close his ears before I started singing."
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Chapter 4.4: The Cookie and The McD Vitch
He turned into a Chipsmore cookie.
But wait, something was not right.
All the Ah-Benguls could still see him!!!! In fact, they didn't look like Ah-Bengs anymore. They looked like a strange cross between an Ah-Beng and Maya Ka.. sorry, a Pontianak, and they were all wearing some tight-fitting pale striped uniform that looked like McDonald's staff uniforms.
Their leader, an ugly looking dude with an Afro (who was wearing a smiley button above his pocket with the words "Hello, I am The Vitch-King of Klangmar. How May I help you?") , was looking at Kendo/Chipsmore cookie in a strange, lusty way, drooling as he headed towards the helpless cookie.
"No! Stay away from me! I'm still a virgin!" cried Kendo, spitting out cookie crumbs in his panic. "I still haven't slept with all the cun bloggits that I plugged on my blog yet!"
Ignoring the pleas of the cookie, The Vitch-King reached out to grabbed Kendo's thing.. I mean, RING; but Kendo poked him with his stick.
The Vitch-King's face immedietely changed into that of IMMENSE FURY, and he DREW a short fake Swiss Army knife (made in Denmark, apparently), and poked Kendo's shoulder with the corkscrew part.
"AAAHHHH! SAKIT! My poor poor chocolate chips got (cork)screwed!!!!!" cried Kendo.
"Take THAT, you silly little Bloggit!" hissed the Vitch-King. "Would you like FRIES with that?!?!?!?"
Just as the Vitch-King was going to reach out for the Cincin again, suddenly, a cry rang out:
"HERE COMES THE HEIR OF UNICRON TO SAVE THE DAY!!!"