Siaran Khas Semperna Hari Merdeka Bumi-Tengah

*Siaran Bumi-tengah Tergendala sebentar untuk pesanan khas Hari Merdeka oleh Tuan Cincin Namber Wan, Eyeron*

Selamat datang ke Bumi-Tengah! Dan Selamat Hari Merdeka!

Nama saya Eyeron. Saya adalah seorang makhluk yang amat kuat sekali. Di sini, saya akan menceritakan kisah tentang perjuangan Kemerdekaan Bumi-Tengah dulu, yang mengakibatkan saya terkurung dalam HQ saya sambil menggunakan Internet dail-up sahaja.

Empat-puluh tahun dahulu, terdapat sekumpulan kawan yang telah menentang saya. Mereka ingin negara mereka merdeka. Tapi saya tak mahu bagi mereka.

Jadi, mereka mengumpul satu tentera pendebat yang sungguh kuat. Mereka bedebat dan ber cakap-cakap benda yang amat patriotik, sehinggakan saya tak boleh tahan, dan akhirnya, saya juga terpaksa menyerah diri kerana tak tahan jeritan MERDEKA! MERDEKA! mereka yang amat kuat dan bising.

Oleh, itu, saya terpaksa bagi dia orang Merdeka. Buat masa ini lar.

Sekarang, saya sedang mencari Cincin Namber One saya, dan apabila saya sudah mendapatkannya kembali, saya akan meneruskan penerokaan saya terhadap Bumi Tengah, dan merampas kembali kemerdekaan mereka!

Saya sudah ada satu pelan. Saya akan menuduh mereka dengan tuduhan bahawa mereka mempunyai Senjata Destruksi Menyeluruh, dan menggunakan alasan 'Saya hendak memusnahkan Senjata mereka!" untuk menyerang Bumi-Tengah. Saya telah mendapat idea ini dari Presiden satu negara yang amat angkuh sekali. Macam saya.

Sekian sahaja siaran Hari Merdeka ini. Sila duduk di dalam rumah kamu diam-diam, sehingga saya dapat menyerang kamu.

Sekian, Terima kasih.

Chapter 2.1: One-Two-Som in the Dark...

... The bloggit was called Kaulum, and he spoke with a weird accent. One day, he found the Cincin Namber One in a river (Director: actually got more story to this wan, but later can ar?), and it turn him into some weird fella who talk with weird accent, and talk to himself a lot.

Sometimes he can turn into another person called also Vincegol, especially when that Kaulum never update his blog. Vincegol was a very conflicted personality who supports Manchester United, but also hates people who disses his homeland. He has a very ugly blog.

Anyway, Kaulum was happy happy staying in Gua Tempurung, spending everyday stroking his thing... sorry, Ring, when one day, another bloggit called Belacanboh turned up (he was with some tourist group, but he got lost while spelunking), found Kaulum's ring on the floor (funny how these things always end up on the floor eh?) and challenged him to play One-Two-Som

After losing a few rounds, Belacanboh decided to bet the Ring, but as he was reaching into his pocket to take it out, he accidently put it on, and he dissapeared! Sensing betapa powernya the Ring was, he cabut fast fast, and Kaulum had no more Ring to stroke. So he stroked other.. er.. Things.

As time past, Eyeron finally managed to get hold of an Internet connection, and began blogging again. This time, because he was so mad at the Elves and Jantan-Jantan (he still couldn't be bothered with the dwarves, who had now moved on to digging the tunnel at the Sungai Besi highway), he decided to find his old Cincin Namber One, and use it to subscribe to Streamyx.

But then, he couldn't find it, so he is stuck with Jaring dial-up for now, which means he cannot go out of his HQ.

But he is still looking for his Cincin...

...........................

....................

............

"And that is the story of the Cincin Namber One," said Gandaiz. "Good story eh? I always pride myself on telling good stories, especially when I have bloggits sitting on my lap."

"Anyway, now you know the story of the Cincin. And now I have to warn you - you have to cabut from One Utama."

"Why?" said Kendo.

"Because Eyeron is coming for you. He found out where the Cincin is by catching Kaulum, and torturing him into telling him where it is by playing the Crazy Frog song over and over again to him."

"GAH! Crazy Frog! The horror! The horror!"

"That's not all. He also showed Kaulum pictures of Pinky the Poodle in Zebra-striped stockings..."

Pix #3: Eyeron makes the Cincin Namber One

Chapter 2: The Story of the Cincin Namber One!

"WAH-SIOW! Got ring on the floor! Must be Unkel's wan. Yay! Can go pajak the thing and buy my dream car oledi!"

*Thwack!*

Gandaiz, in a fit of madness, hits Kendo with his gnarly stick.

"Oi! That ring got magic wan lar! Kenot pawn!"he said. "Come here, I tell you story..."

So Kendo decided to go and sit on Gandaiz's lap, and listen to his story.

"Er.. why do I have to sit on your lap?"

"Shut up, you wanna hear story or not?"

(Director: The scene fades out, and into a flashback scene that Gandaiz makes-up with vivid detail...)

........

(Eerie background music)

.......

(Sounds of backstage workers scurrying around)

.......

(Background sound:"OI! Don't touch me there!")

.......

(Director: Scene fades back to light, and ACTION!)

Once upon a time, there was a EVIIIL Blogger Overlord called Eyeron.. He was so powerful that no one knew he was evil. So he go and bluff all the elves lar, the dwarves lah, and the Jantan.

He told the elves, "hey, I want to start a business at Jalan Petaling selling ciplak jewelry lar. Want to join-venture?" So all three Tai-kor in the elf gangs decided to join-venture, and they make three damn power Rings to wear.

At the same time, they joint-venture and make seven Rings for all the dwarves, but the dwarves go and hilang all the rings, so Eyeron damn fed up with them.

So he go and make nine rings for the Tai-kor of the Jantan-jantan. He told them, "Ok, I give all of you some damn cun cincin, but you must wear you know? If don't wear kenot have magic wan."

So all the tai-kor of the Jantan-Jantan's gang all wear the rings, and all become kuli to Eyeron because the Ring got spell that make them think Eyeron is Lilian Too, and that if they follow him, they will have good Feng Shui also.

After he made all those rings, Eyeron damn clever. He quiet quiet make another Ring, called the Cincin Namber One, and it was connected to all the other rings by wireless network connections. With it, he can control the Jantan who wear the Nine Rings like remote control, and make them wear black all the time.

The dwarves had lost theirs while digging potholes in Jalan Tun Razak, so he don't bother with them anymore.

But the Elves hor, they damn clever. They found out about the Cincin Nambar One, and they decided to attack Eyeron's HQ to destroy it. But Eyeron lagi pandai. He go and put all sort of power in his Ring, and he upgrade it to 1024MB RAM, so the elves kenot fight him.

But Eyeron forgot to put firewall on his ring, and suddenly, this bloody idiot called Isidork go and cut of his finger, and so he lost the ring and his hard disk crash. And Eyeron went missing for a while because he got no internet to update his blog.

Isidork took the ring, and wear it for a while, but it got snatched one day by a guy on a kapcai (itulah, why go and wear it on the neck?) while he was walking around SS2, and while chasing the kapcai, Isidork got run down by a KFC truck. And no one saw the ring again...

Until one day, it was found by and evil little bloggit named...

Pix #2: Kendo's Choice

Chapter 1.3: Gandaiz and the Cigarette Lighter Ring

Soon, it was time for Belacanboh to make a speech. But he donno what to say. So he stood on the top of the Burger King counter and did a strip-dance instead.

He danced and danced and danced when he was about to take of his er... socks, suddenly.... POOF! He disappeared.

"Eh? Where my uncle go har?" said Kendo.

"He's still dancing there lar. But we cannot see him because of the haze," said Gandaiz.

but then hor, all the other Bloggits thought Belacanboh gone missing already, plus the haze caused by Gandaiz's fireworks was killing them, so they all go home.

Belacanboh managed to sneak off to his house under the escalator, and was packing his bags, when Gandaiz suddenly appear.

"BOO!"

"GAA!"

"What you doing lar?" said Gandaiz. "Going holiday is it?"

Yalar. holiday. bought Air-Asia ticket. Dam kau cheap," said Belacanboh. "Anyway, I've had my fun, now I give Kendo my spot under the escalator. His house in car park now in state of emergency because of haze. Here better. Got air-con."

"How about your magic ring eh?"

"Wat magic ring. You want? KENOT! It's mine! My Honey, My Sayang, My Pwecious!"

So Gandaiz became angry, and he suddenly become like Sadako, and scare the hell out of Belacanboh, who started crying like Rafidah..

"Oklar oklar, I give you. But must give to Kendo ok? Now I want to go to holiday oledi."

So it was that Belacanboh left his house under the Escalator to Kendo, and left a golden ring lying on the floor.

Gandaiz wanted to pick up the Ring and go and pawn it, but when he tried to pick it up, suddenly a FLAME came shooting out of it like cigarette lighter, and burn him.

So Gandaiz tak jadi pick up the Ring, and had to go find Burnol to treat his burn-wound.

By the time he finish applying the Burnol, Kendo came back and pick up the Ring oledi.

Pix #1: The All-Woman Bloggit and the Wheelchair Speed Demon

Chapter 1.2: Suamwise, Minirry and Peterpin

After the VIPs arrived, the party started. There was a lot of drinking, dancing, cavorting, and singing.

Kendo arrived a bit late too, and immedietely went looking for his good friend Suamwise Gangrine. she was sitting all alone, moaning about how she still hadn't gotten a Bloggit boyfriend yet, even though she advertise so many times in her blog, and masuk paper samor.

The only person who replied was someone called Rosie who picked cotton somewhere, but she thought it was the WWE wrestler, and was too scared to reply.

On the other side, Minirry and Peterpin were playing with some of Gandaiz's magic fireworks.

They tried putting the fireworks inside a bamboo to make a meriam buluh, but it exploded when they were lighting it, and the magical debris hit them hard.

Peterpin got hit on the legs, and ended up in a wheelchair - a damn canggih one, with DOHC, a spoiler, sport rims and blue lights under the seat. There was also a cup holder that looked suspiciously like a broken CD-ROM drive.

Gandaiz later install for him damn power stereo system, with TV samor, so he can play techno music at full blast and watch Hong Kong cantonese serials at the same time.

Minirry wasn't injured, but got hit by a piece of magic wood, and became a woman.

Chapter 1.1: A Shortcut to Burger King

... The singing it turned out to be the ringtone coming from Kendo's super-duper tiny and canggih handphone, which was playing the new Complicated Minishorts-Remix, and sounded like someone was strangling a kerbau.

Kendo answered the phone:

Kendo: HARO?
Gandaiz: OI! What you doing in Starbucks? The coffee there sucks wan lar! Come over to San Francisco Coffee, the coffee here nicer!
Kendo: how you know lar?
Gandaiz: Somebody's little bird told me.

So off Kendo went to SF Coffee, where he found a guy who look like a brinjal.

Gandaiz was dressed in a purple T-shirt that said 'Ping me, baby!', and a purple pointy hat that had a star on top like a Christmas tree. He held a tiny stick in his hand which he waved around occasionally when the flies flew around him.

Kendo: Eh, why you all purple oledi? I thought you used to be grey?
Gandaiz the Purple: Haiyar, last time I go and tell everybody not to bold their pings, but then hor, now all the ping all grey grey only. So I have to turn MYSELF purple so then only people can see my pings.

Anyway, once the two had bought their coffee, and blogged about how the coffee in SF Coffee was so much better than Starbucks....

(Director's Note: NO, SF Coffee is NOT paying me for the product placement. Though they bloody well should at least give me free drinks...)

And off they went in Gandaiz to Belacanboh party, which was going to be held at Burger King, because Belacanboh's house under the escalator near Giant was too small.

Halfway there, Kendo decided to go toilet, so Gandaiz decided to head for Belacanboh's house first.

Once there, he saw a sign that said:

NO VISITORS
EXCEPT ON BUAYA BUSINESS
(Chicks can come right in)

Since Belacanboh's house had no door (he lived under a flight of escalators after all), Gandaiz just walked right in and saw Belacanboh sitting on the floor playing Chor Dai Di with his kids.

Belacanboh was looking very young, healthy and very buaya-fying, even though he was already married with two kids. Must be all the sambal belacan.

When Belacanboh saw who it was, he immedietly invited Gandaiz to sit down for a game, and promptly lost all his money.

(Director: Apara, so malu. Lose to a terung.)

Anyway, when Belacanboh had lost all his money, Gandaiz decided that it was time to go, and stuffing the money into his hat, he led Belacanbo to Burger King (via the fire escape stairs, because the lifts took damn long to arrive).

When they finally got there (after getting lost in the car park because Gandaiz never go to 1 Utama new wing before), everyone was already there and fidgeting and complaining because the two bloody VIPs were late.

Chapter 1: A Long-expected Party in 1 Utama

(Director: Hokay, we shall now officially start the Bumi-Tengah parody. I decided to skip all that prophecy bullshit in the beginning of the film based on artistic integrity. In other words, I didn't know how to write the damn thing. So I decided to start with THIS instead....)


ONCE upon a time, in a parking lot under some shopping complex called 1-Utama, there lived a Bloggit.

Bloggits are little creatures who like to eat, party, and blog a lot. They live in parking lots under 1 Utama so they can take advantage of the new wing's free wireless internet access. Also for the chicks.

Bloggits can live all over the place, but due to their excessive blogging nature, they tend to hang out in a Pro-Jet petrol station near Jalan Petaling - called The PeePeeAss for short. That's where all their blogs come together. And also the best place to meet chicks.

Bloggits also sometimes have a tendency to take nude pictures of themselves and posting them on their blogs (which accounts for a lot of droolin.. er, i mean, outrage as well as occasional puking when the nude model turns out to be a chubby guy with a weird haircut).

The bloggit who lived under 1 Utama was called Kendo (not to be mistaken with a certain Japanese martial art). He is somewhat chubby, and has a weird haircut.

Kendo used to live in some funny place called Kuching, but got chucked into the parking lot under 1 Utama for the purpose of this story.

Anyway, Kendo's uncle BelacanBoh was having a party. Not just any party, mind you, but a party for his er... Eleventy-first post on his blog!!!! Woopie. Yay Yay. *Flags waving*

Every-one was gonna be there, coming from all over the place. They found out about the party through PeePeeAss, and so they all turned up - The Trolls, The Flamers, The FemesOnes and so on. All sorts of Bloggits were there.

However, Kendo was still waiting for someone to turn up, so he decided to go sit down upstairs in the Starbucks directly above his B4-G3-ND parking lot to blog there, while waiting for that someone...

By and by, just as Kendo was getting bored and thinking of putting another nude photo on his blog just to create more controversy, he heard the sound of someone singing....